t is for trauma

Let’s talk about trauma – yep, little-t trauma. ‘

It’s something we all have. In fact, you can’t really go through life without accumulating a bunch of ideas, beliefs and stories that don’t serve you. Our brains are incredible things. They distort, contort, and interpret things in life in ways that keep us safe. The problem is that what keeps us safe in our youth isn’t necessarily what helps us grow as adults.

Sometimes we’ll capture these thoughts and ideas. We’ll laugh at how silly they are and be surprised that we still believe them. Whereas others are so deeply ingrained in our subconscious that it feels impossible to know if we’ll ever find them. Let alone unravel them and then consciously decide what to do with them.

Let me give you an example by way of a story.

I studied psychology at uni. When I was in my third year, our lecturer had us do a personality test. I don’t remember which one, but I do remember that whatever category I fell into, she said IT (note: not me) wasn’t suited to being a psychologist and helping others. I went home and cried like a baby. I was so disappointed because I wanted to be good at my chosen profession.

What I took from that experience, which I have only recently30-somethingng years later) resolved, is that:

1. It was dangerous for me to think I could have an intimate relationship with another human being;  AND
2. that I was dangerous if I got too close and knew their secrets and their fears and tried to help them through them.

So instead of forming close adult friendships, I kept my distance. Not only did I do that, but somewhere deep down, I also decided that I could not allow ANYONE to be vulnerable with me, as I could cause them harm.

So, a few months later, when the opportunity arose at uni, I chose the organisational psychology stream rather than the counselling stream. Whew, that part of the world was safer without me.

Around 10 years later, as a learning and development professional with post-graduate qualifications under my belt, I was offered the opportunity to work with senior leaders to mentor them through their complex staffing issues. My boss at the time told me she saw my potential. She saw my ability to understand and explain human behaviour and design innovative learning and development solutions that transformed the way people behaved. I’ll admit even I knew I was great at my job. After all, I had the qualifications, experience, and results under my belt.

BUT, before she could finish asking me, I’d already decided – NO WAY. I remember my anxiety levels rising as she asked me. I remember not even hearing her out. I remember my body screaming at me – DANGER: don’t do it, and so I didn’t.

I did wonder, though, a few years later, what might have been if I had accepted her offer.

I had a similar experience when “workplace coaching” became a thing. I was an early adopter, employing specialists in the agency I worked in. We ran courses for our leaders and our HR experts, but I never attended. Again, the leadership team where I worked loved the idea of investing in and qualifying workplace coaches. I worked with the provider to customise the program not only to the agency culture, but to include what I understood about human behaviour in the public sector. It was revolutionary, and while my peers clambered to be chosen to do the program, again I said NO.

One-on-one work was NOT for me. I still remember the anxiety rise at the expectation I would undertake the qualification and be one of the founding workplace coaches. Fortunately, for me, at the time, I was able to talk my way out of it.

As I rose through the ranks of the APS and kept others at a distance, I continued to avoid any responsibilities I might have had in providing counsel or advice on people-related matters. When I transitioned to HR, I employed specialists to do this and comfortably referred my peers and senior managers to them.

When I eventually left the public service and set up Done by Design, I was asked on numerous occasions if I was available as a coach. Some wanted to enter the public service; others were dealing with a hard work situation. Again, the response was a hard NO. But I met with a few for coffee to share my advice, and I provided support to others going through a hard time.

Last year, I completed a year-long intensive embodiment coaching course to complement my group training programs. This year I’ve qualified in hypnotherapy and just about completed my HeartHealing® level 2 practitioners’ certification. It wasn’t until recently that I really understood that, as a coach, hypnotherapist, and healer, I don’t actually do anything TO anyone. My role is to provide a process and create a safe space for others to facilitate their own healing and transformation.

It's safe for me to do the type of work I intended to do 30 years ago.

To you, this might be obvious. For me, it was mind-blowing.

So why this long and convoluted story?

Because I want you to see how a simple little trauma event can affect us over a lifetime. How something so seemingly insignificant that occurred thirty years ago (that I had completely forgotten about) influenced the trajectory of my career and what I believed about myself.  How it has shaped and restricted my ability to have long-lasting, intimate friendships. How I sabotaged career opportunities and limited myself by this deep subconscious belief that isn’t actually true.

This is just a small and simple example of how we get in our own way. When we are triggered by events that take us back to our deepest fears, our central nervous system takes over and doesn’t allow us to think logically or broadly. How our blood rushes to our extremities, ready to fight or take flight, not allowing enough oxygen or blood to the brain for rational thought. Why do things happen to us, and we don’t respond in the way we expect ourselves to? Why do we sabotage our own success and don’t reach our full potential?

For us as women, not only are we dealing with the little traumas of our own unique lives and experiences, but our collective ones, too. The fear we all feel of being alone in the dark at night. The need to stay safe by being “good girls” and not upsetting others. The knowing that if we speak up, are too loud or seen to be aggressive, we will be rejected and left to fend for ourselves.

I truly believe that this is the work we need to be doing as leaders, visionaries and changemakers to have more impact and greater influence.

We need to do our inner work to influence the outer changes we want to see in the world. That our job of creating a new paradigm for real change today and into the future is an inside job AS WELL AS an outside job.

That was when we created this balance, and then we can and will confidently find our rightful place in the highest echelons of government and business.

When we free ourselves from the effects of these traumas, we free ourselves from the fears that are keeping us away from these positions of influence. Yes, there are structural changes needed, but equally,y each and every one of us can help by reclaiming our personal and collective truth.

If this sounds like you and if you are ready to turn around those feelings of despondency, disappointment, and powerlessness into hope, possibility and optimism, then I want you to know that this is possible.

That is when you are prepared to do the evolutionary work of revealing who lives behind those old stories and limiting beliefs, you reawaken something deep and powerful within.

Here's what Donna had to say about working together: "I was floundering and now I have a clear path going forward, I feel less burdened and lighter in my soul."

I want you to feel this too.